Youngster's major incentive for language development right now is her need to communicate something to somebody. Parents should be a real audience, without pretending, even if the child produces only a few short sentences at a time. It is from these informal utterances that more formal language will eventually emerge.
Many parents think that because they are with the child most of the time, they, in fact, provide her an audience.
However, if one examines the routine of a typical home, Mom and Dad are involved with answering the door or telephone, washing clothes and dishes, making beds, or preparing dinner.
What is really needed is a "Special Time," however brief. This special time differs from the rest of the day because it belongs to Youngster exclusively. She isn't interrupting your work just to get attention.
Special Time is "special" because it is entirely devoted to listening and attending to the child. Of course, this means privacy--no answering phones or checking on food in the oven.
How much time is required? Only about fifteen minutes. That's about the maximum that parent and child can hold each other's attention at this age.
It is well to plan for Special Time:
(1) Explain simply what it is--you both will be together and she can tell you or show you what she wants to do.
It is very important that you do not direct the program. Otherwise you will defeat the objective.
When she must tell you what she wants to do, her mind is more active formulating and expressing her ideas and wishes.
(2) Help her to better understand the concept of "time."
If you have an alarm clock, set it to go off when the time limit is reached. Or show her the face of the clock and point to where Special Time begins and ends.
If during the day it appears that the child wants your attention and you are too busy, remind her about the approaching Special Time. If it is a regular habit, she will learn to wait.
Because all good things end too soon, prepare her for the end of Special Time.
Even if she has no awareness of "five more minutes," continued daily use of such a warning will alert her to the fact that it is almost over.
Thus, in planning Special Time you are educating Youngster to a temporal (time) order: the anticipation of Special Time each day, the length of time she will have your undivided attention, and the reminder about when it will be over.
(3) It may be necessary to set limits on what can or cannot be done during Special Time, especially if the child is inclined to want to do the same thing, such as hearing the same story every day for two weeks. You may still allow her to choose and still set limits if you tell her honestly, "I'm tired of that book. Let's do something different in Special Time."
(4) As Youngster grows older, she will want to talk more--to express her feelings and to know that you are truly listening. Prepare yourself to be a good audience; this means active listening.
(5) Above all, make Special Time a good learning experience for your child by making it a fun time to be together. In that way, she will look forward to this Special Time. Children learn more easily and quickly when the learning experience is an enjoyable one.
Should I allow my child to play with toy guns?
It's a question parents of young children frequently ask.
In the family where such forms of play are not tolerated, the troubling question still arises whenever the child visits a friend whose family has purchased toy rifles, revolvers, or laser guns.
In deciding what to do in such circumstances, parents need to consider three factors: The function of play in their child's development, the socially accepted aspects of aggressive play, and the "forbidden fruit" phenomenon.
Although many parents may think of their child's play as a time for "goofing off" rather than for learning, it is during play activities that some very important learning takes place.
Parents will have noted, for example, that during infancy it was mainly through enjoyable play activities that their infant learned to explore and eventually manipulate the objects in his environment.
Similarly, in the preschool years, eye-hand coordination and socialization skills are learned and developed during play activities.
In purchasing a toy, a most important question for parents to consider is what their child will learn from this new object. For example, with skill-building toys, the child will acquire and develop new skills or improve those already learned. It should be obvious that with aggressive-type toys, the child will learn aggressive-type behaviors.
Even though parents may teach their child to be peace-loving and respectful of other children, they are nevertheless faced with the reality that the environment in which their child is living is not always one of peace and harmony. That's why the socially accepted aspects of aggressive play need to be considered.
In our society some forms of aggressive behavior--such as assertiveness, competitiveness, and physical contact sports--are not only socially acceptable but are even encouraged and rewarded.
In teaching a child not to be unduly aggressive, parents should also consider teaching him necessary skills, including self-defense, for survival in the real world.
A word of caution to parents who may try to forbid their child from ever playing with an aggressive-type play object, such as a toy gun: Over-zealous efforts may backfire. By dealing too harshly with the problem, a child may become unduly attracted to the "forbidden fruit" which the parents have condemned.
Many parents have found that children can be endlessly inventive in devising ways to construct their own "guns" using a variety of materials and methods that vary from a simple stick to more complicated versions.
The most effective way for parents to deal with the problem is to approach it in a calm and reasonable manner. They must first decide what are the most important values they wish to transmit to their child. They must then explain these values in a manner that will be meaningful to him.
For example, many young children find it difficult to share their possessions with others. Parents can teach a child the value of sharing by pointing out the many ways in which he was made happy because others were willing to share with him. After all, children first learn about sharing by receiving rather than by giving.
Later, when children learn to treat others as they would want to be treated, they begin to express the value of sharing in their lives.
If parents find that their child has violated the values taught, they should wait, if possible, to discuss the matter in private rather than try to deal with it in public which would only humiliate the child.
Children are more likely to learn from what a parent does than from what a parent says. Parents who exhibit aggressive behavior in the home are likely to have an aggressive child. And parents who exhibit loving, caring, and peaceful behavior are likely to have a child who ultimately will exhibit those same behaviors.
Development of Sex-Role Concepts
Am I a boy or am I a girl?
Will I always be the same?
Why do boys and girls play differently?
What are some other differences between boys and girls?
These and other questions about children's development of gender and sex-role concepts have been studied extensively by researchers in recent years.
In order to understand the research findings, the reader will need to be familiar with some definitions that are commonly used. (See "Definitions" in box.)
Research studies have revealed that:
This ability to accurately label "male" or "female" is of course only a first step in the child's development of gender concept. The child's response is frequently based on the type of toy another child is playing with, the type of clothing worn (pants or dress), or the length and style of the other person's hair.
As society changes, with some fathers having long hair, and with some mothers having short hair and wearing a shirt, tie, and pin-stripe suit, these cues to gender identity are becoming less clear for the young child.
Parents can easily test their child's ability to distinguish between the genders by pointing to pictures in a magazine and asking, "Which one is a woman/girl?" or "Which one is a man/boy?"
Once children have some initial grasp of gender identity, they begin to differentiate between the attitudes and behaviors associated with each gender, namely, the socially appropriate "sex-role stereotypes."
In each family, parents ultimately determine the values, attitudes, and behaviors they consider appropriate for their son or daughter. Being aware of important research findings will generally help parents provide well-informed guidance to their child.
Recent studies have found that:
Some sex-role differences between boys and girls are, of course, biologically predetermined. Other differences are the result of cultural influences in the child's environment. Family, peers, and the media are three important influences which need to be considered.
(1) Recent research studies on the family have indicated that:
(2) Besides the family, the peer group has an important influence on the child's development of gender concept. It has been found that:
(3) Television and children's books also influence a child's thinking about male and female roles. The U. S. Commission on Civil Rights has found that:
(4) Studies have also been done of cross-sex preference--boys who say they would rather be girls or girls who say they would rather be boys--a phenomenon that sometimes causes great concern to parents. These studies have found that:
As indicated earlier, parents ultimately determine the values, attitudes, and behaviors they consider appropriate for their son or daughter. In making that determination they need to take into account the child's own progressive development of gender and sex-role concepts.
They also need to be aware of important environmental influences such as family, peers, and the media. Helping a child to develop appropriate gender and sex-role concepts is a most important element in the overall development of your child's positive self-concept.
These are definitions for some of the terms most used in research studies dealing with sexual development:
Gender concept: The child's overall understanding of what it means to be either male or female--an understanding which progressively develops over many years.
Gender identity: The first step in the development of the gender concept by which the child can correctly label people, including him- or herself, as either male or female.
Gender constancy: Recognition that a person's gender will remain the same even if other aspects of the person may change (such as a man wearing a woman's wig and dress).
Sex-role concept: The child's overall understanding of differences in appropriate attitudes and behavior of a male or female in society.
Sex-role stereotypes: The attitudes and behaviors widely considered in society as appropriate or inappropriate for each gender.
So much attention is naturally focused on the mother's role in child rearing that fathers may sometimes feel uncomfortable or out of place in this process. The role of a mother is obviously very special during pregnancy, giving birth, nursing the baby, and generally taking care of a young child's needs.
Nowadays, however, fathers are becoming more actively involved, not only in supporting the mother, but also in providing direct child care. At the same time, psychologists are discovering that fathers have a unique and very important role-different from that of the mother-in a child's development, especially during the toddler years.
A study of history can help to understand some changes in society that have had an impact on the role of fathers. Prior to the industrial revolution, many fathers were able to remain in close daily contact with their families as they worked on the land or had a home-based trade such as blacksmith, cobbler, or carpenter. In this way they were able to take an active part in day-to-day family affairs.
At the same time, children had more immediate access to their fathers during the day, sometimes working alongside Dad either in the fields or at his trade.
With the coming of the industrial revolution, however, fathers (and sometimes mothers) were required more and more to work away from home. From early morning until late in the evening, they were separated from daily family life. Mothers, who more frequently remained at home, became their children's primary caregivers. This eventually resulted in what sociologists have described as the "feminization" of the parent's role.
Two recent changes in our society have had a significant impact on family life, namely, the women's movement and the age of computer technology.
With more mothers working outside the home in recent years, it is not surprising that many fathers are now taking a more active part in raising their children.
Examples of more active father involvement in family affairs can be found even before a baby is born. More and more fathers are now attending pre-birth classes with the mother. Also, the presence of fathers in the delivery room, either as coach or as supportive observer-a practice that was forbidden in most hospitals before the 1970s-is now clearly on the increase.
Studies have found that when a father is present during labor and delivery, the mother is likely to report lower levels of pain, receive less medication and is less likely to experience complications.
The coming of the computer age has also had an important impact on family life. Many parents-both fathers and mothers-can now perform at least part of their work at home where they can be in closer contact with their children. Thus the potential for fathers to become more actively involved in child rearing is greater today than it was just a generation ago.
Recent studies indicate that when both fathers and mothers are together involved in child rearing, they both more often express positive feelings toward their children. Ultimately, children are the ones who benefit the most from these positive relationships.
Psychologists have also been interested in determining if there are differences in children's attachment to fathers and mothers. It has been found that from the age of 8 months-when strong attachments are first observed in children-they show greater attachment to both their fathers and mothers than to strangers.
Between 8 and 24 months an interesting difference emerges. In times of fear or stress, a child will more likely turn to the mother for comfort than to the father. In general, mothers are relied on in matters involving trust, sensitivity, and intimacy.
During the toddler years, however, a father's unique role becomes particularly important. At this age, as children strive for more autonomous behavior, they seek and receive more support from the father in striving for independence. They still rely on their mother when they are in need of comforting and nurturance.
Both of these types of experiences-the striving for independence and the continued need for nurturance-are important aspects of every child's development. The different roles of the father and mother thus complement one another in this developmental process. Since it has been found that a child reacts differently to the father and mother, are there then differences in parenting styles between fathers and mothers?
It has been found that the differences are indeed sometimes quite substantial. Whereas mothers are more likely to engage in quiet, peaceful interactions such as smiling, talking or soothing, fathers are more likely to engage in more physical roughhousing with the child.
While the father is often perceived as the ultimate authority figure in the family, ("Wait until your father hears about this!") his interactions with the child are generally more playful. And 2-year-olds actively seek these playful interactions with the father. They particularly enjoy playing simple games such as hide-and-seek.
Through these playful activities, children will generally experience a broad range of emotions that they must learn to handle, laughing hysterically at one moment and being on the verge of tears at another.
During these playful experiences children not only learn better control of their emotions, but they also develop an important ability to "read" the non-verbal messages of others, as conveyed, for example, by Dad's facial expression or tone of voice. These lessons that are learned from interacting with Dad will prove most useful later when interacting with other adults or with peers.
There are, of course, variations in father-child relationships. It has been found, for example, that fathers with low self-esteem have a more negative impact on their children than mothers with low self-esteem.
A father's work environment can also influence father-child interactions. A father whose job provides a great deal of autonomy is more likely to encourage independent behavior in his children. On the contrary, a father whose job is highly supervised with little or no autonomy will expect a high level of conformity in his children.
Sometimes fathers experience difficulty in interacting with their children at the end of the day's work. While Dad is ready and eager to read the child a story or play a game, he may find that Toddler is neither ready nor willing to engage in such interaction.
It may take the child some time to adjust from being with Mom or another caregiver throughout the day. It's wisest for Dad to let the child set the pace for their interaction, allowing it to unfold naturally rather than trying to create "organized joy." Under these circumstances, children will usually give some indication when they are ready and eager for interaction with Dad.
If Mom has been with the child throughout the day, it may help the father-child interaction if she can find someplace else to go. This can be her time to enjoy a break while father and child spend some quality time together, giving one another their undivided, loving attention.
In summary, although the industrial revolution caused many fathers to be removed from the daily lives of their families, recent changes in our society have resulted in more active father involvement in the home. Father involvement in child rearing not only enriches a young child's life, it also enhances the lives of all members of a family.
A note of clarification may be in order for single parents. While this article deals with father involvement in a child's development, it is recognized that, in today's world, there are many single parents engaged in child rearing without the support of a spouse.
Since it is not the purpose of this article to make single mothers feel guilty because of the absence of the child's father, the following points should be made clear:
1. A loving single-parent home is a preferable environment for a young child than one in which abusive relationships exist;
2. Single parents who raise a child alone under such circumstances deserve special recognition and encouragement;
3. It is often possible for a loving surrogate "father-figure" to fulfill a father's role in a child's life;
4. Children who grow up in a loving home environment can be extremely resilient in adapting to the conditions under which they live their lives. In their case, love seems to conquer all!
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CONTRIBUTING AUTHORS
Phil Bach, O.D., Ph.D.
Miriam Bender, Ph.D.
Joseph Braga, Ed.D.
Laurie Braga, Ph.D.
George Early, Ph.D.
Liam Grimley, Ph.D.
Robert Hanneman, M.D., F.A.A.P.
Sylvia Kottler, M.S.
Bill Peterson, Ph.D.